my God moments... explained

as i lay here, unable to sleep, i am thinking about all of my most recent thoughts. i have had many 'God moments' as they are called by our CRHP people. today, i came to many realizations. i began to think about my many many blessings in life. not things, or people, or anything tangible... true blessings. the moments when i can understand life as i know it, or see people's souls, or my own, even. numerous times this weekend, i had moments filled with such joy and ABSOLUTE happiness true and pure. in these moments, all of my insecurities and self-worth/self-esteem issues disappeared, not because, for a moment, they no longer existed, but for a moment, they didn't matter. they had nothing to do with my life. i began to realize that this life, with all its grace, is not all about being worthy of anything, or anybody, or even of God. this life and this precious, indescribable gift of grace is all about the goodness of our loving God. i was trying to explain it, with some success i think, to jonathan in terms of our relationship to our children. cecelia, for example, is such a good sweet being; but, regardless of her goodness and her sweetness, all i want for her is joy. no matter what she does, or doesn't do, the only thing i would like to give to her, to create for her is moments like i have had the blessing to experience this weekend. the pleasure i experience in her moments of contentment, as well as her moments of excited joy, is heaven to me. i get the feeling that that what this life is all about for God. That is greatest adoration we can give to our Lord. whether or not i deserve my lot in life (which is about as perfect as it can be these days. i have learned to take the bad with the good, the bad drives the pleasure i receive from the good) enjoying life on earth is the most divine form of worship available to us. the story of Job demonstrates it perfectly, if you can read it with an open mind. it took me a few tries of reading and thinking before i got it and when i did, i realized that all these pieces of knowledge given to me about God and life and love have been compartmentalized in my understanding of them, only today did i begin to understand the interrelated quality of them. our life, our love, our God is not all about pieces of understanding coming together like pieces of a puzzle to form one big picture, they are more like ingredients to a delicious cake. there are eggs, flour, sugar... all pieces that form a cake, but mixed together without boundaries to blossom into a wonderful cake. these pieces of understanding that i receive all come together, without boundaries to form a wonderful, wonderful whole. it's not about deserved happiness, it's not about worthiness, or working for a dream, it's about enjoying all the things God made. if i think too much more, i'll not only get lost, but my head will start to hurt. so there it is... life as i know it today, july 25, 2010. let's hope i can hang onto this!